Pandora's Couch

Still Alive

So I haven’t posted in a long time. Honestly, I’ve wanted to, but I couldn’t think of anything to write about that wasn’t a whiny self-pity party. And there are enough of them on Tumblr already.

I’ve just come out of a low period where I still didn’t feel much better and spent a lot of time ruminating on how much better it’d be if I wasn’t around anymore. I declined an additional anti-depressant study and am having my psych evaluations sent to a local doctor so I can keep getting treatment. I still have moments where I catch myself thinking that it’s a waste of time, worrying about little things that shouldn’t bother me…

But I’m doing better now. I’m more engaged in school work; I’ve been cleared to give drug/alcohol interventions for the major clinical trial my lab is working on; we’re looking at thesis ideas and clinical programs, assistantships, my own research, and classes are going well. I actually feel fairly on top of things.

My home life is even improving a little. Hubby is starting to become successful with our business, he’s bringing in some money, having fun helping people. We focus on building each other (and others) up.

Before I was physically incapable of visualizing the future, because I always hoped it was my last day alive. Now… now I can see the day after tomorrow.